A Paralegal's Life

For My Readers Owned by Cats

2012-03-19T22:19:00.000-04:00

Anyone who lives with a cat knows that the human doesn't "own" a cat. The cat owns the human. I am probably ten thousand times smarter than Stupid the Cat, but the fuzzy bastard still has me wrapped around his little paw. So on that note, I bring you this...

This could easily be Stupid the Cat. Same fur color, same eyes, same clueless expression staring off into nowhere. Stupid adopted me, and knew I was a sucker.

Hardest Day of the Year

2012-03-16T14:11:00.000-04:00

For a recovering Alcoholic like myself, St. Patrick's Day is one of the most difficult days of the year to endure. It's hard to deal with the fact that everyone else I know is out drinking and having fun, when I'm sitting at home watching TV. It really drives home how being an Alkie can make you feel like a failure as a human being. I know that's not (entirely) the truth, but it still sometimes seems that way.

OK, enough self-loathing for now. While you are out, remember to have a glass of whatever in honor of the folks like me who can't. We're probably going to be the ones to pick you up and drive you home or bail you out of jail anyway.

What's Keeping Me Awake At Night

2012-03-15T10:40:00.000-04:00

Lately, I've been having trouble sleeping. A few nights ago I started writing down things that were on my mind whilst staring at the ceiling and scratching Stupid the Cat's ears. Warning: Some of these things may cause depression, anxiety or the desire to not live on this planet anymore...

The (possibly alien) life-form known as "Snooki" is pregnant, a likely sign of The Apocalypse.

Skrillex has more Grammy awards than Led Zeppelin, Queen, Bob Marley and The Who COMBINED. (See here.)

Jon Hamm actually got criticized for daring to call Kim Kardashian "stupid" (his word, not mine). See this post at Constitutional Daily for a well-done take on the ridiculousness that ensued.

Why do people in this city just wander out into the street in the path of oncoming cars? How have these people survived to adulthood still able to walk?

Oh, the cluelessness...

2012-03-14T10:31:00.000-04:00

At a recent all-staff meeting, Office Manager and I had the following exchange:

OM: "I've noticed that we've been going through supplies at nearly double the rate we used to, which is a serious concern..."

Grumpy: "We doubled the number of people who work here over the last 6 months, plus we have a much larger caseload now. It's logical that we would be using more supplies, isn't it?"

OM: "No, that wouldn't account for it. I think the cleaning staff is stealing. I've already complained to building management about it."

At that point, I just shut my mouth, rolled my eyes and looked around at everyone else shaking their heads and/or rolling their eyes also. If she's already complained to building management, then someone is getting fired for no other reason than Office Manager is a blithering idiot.

At some point, I'm going to start stabbing my leg with a pencil during these meetings just to see if I can still feel. Not to mention keep myself from doing or saying something that, while fully justified, will still result in me getting fired and maybe sent to prison.

Our only hope is that the Managing Partner might eventually wise up and notice how utterly useless Office Manager is, and how much of a drain on productivity and morale she really is. But somehow I doubt that will ever happen. In the meantime, all we can do is band together, commiserate and work behind her back to mitigate the damage.

What's Pissing Me Off This Week - March 9, 2012

2012-03-09T10:17:00.000-05:00

1. Helpless Attorneys. As Namby Pamby recently covered, there seems to be a rash of attorneys too helpless to do basic tasks, like printing. Which is odd, because printers outnumber people in our office. Every person in our office has their very own printer, plus we have several multi-function ones scattered around. Why, then, do they waste time e-mailing me something to print, when that takes longer than clicking "print"?

2. Office Manager. She seems to be going out of her way to interfere in everything this week. It's really getting on my last reserve nerve.

3. Co-Counsel. Seriously, why are they so damned needy? You hired us, so back the F off and let us do our job.

4. Traffic. It's been especially heinous this week. I sit at one particular traffic light every day, because it's timed such that there's no way to hit it except when it's just turned to red and you have to sit through the full 120-second cycle. I figured out that over the past 15 years I've spent over 125 hours just waiting for that one light to change. That's more than five full days.

The Rise and Fall of Co-Counsel

2012-03-06T13:53:00.000-05:00

I've written before (here and here) about my struggles working with out-of-state co-counsel. Since moving to another firm, it's been less of a problem, but some things have not changed. The attorneys at my current firm are much more aggressive about demanding things be sent to us with time to spare, and we've been blessed with co-counsel who seems to have their act together.

Until now.

On one of our biggest and most complicated cases, lead attorney for our co-counsel was a very "together" sort of guy. He always did exactly what we asked, paid attention to how we needed things done, and if I could clone him and replace all our out-of-state attorneys with this guy, I would.

Recently, he's been bumped up to Partner and given a different set of responsibilities, so his work has now bumped down to some... how can I say it... moron? Monkey with a typewriter? Ferret on crack?

This guy is so disorganized, it makes me cry. We had to revise the same brief at least a half-dozen times because we'd fix his mistakes and then he'd go and either (a) make new ones, (b) make the same ones again or most often (c) both.

Most recently, he's decided that the Courts in our State have to function under his State's rules, and is quite intransigent about the issue.

I can only hope he gets sacked soon, but unfortunately, he probably makes his billable hours quota simply because of all the extra time he spends screwing up his work and arguing with more competent attorneys.

The only silver lining in this situation is that the Associate in our office working point on this case isn't taking any crap from this guy, so we're just doing things the right way and not mentioning it to him until after we file with the Court and it's too late for him to argue with us.

Tidbits

2012-03-02T10:06:00.000-05:00

I collected a bunch of random thoughts here in what will probably be a semi-regular feature. None of them are really worth a full post, but are at least valuable enough to write down for posterity. I've probably touched on some of these before, but some things bear repeating.

1. The worth of co-counsel is inversely proportionate to the importance of the case. Inevitably, you will have the worst co-counsel in history during the biggest cases of your career.

2. The Clerk's Office of any given court has so little actual power that they will inevitably abuse that tiny amount at your expense. Usually when it's most inconvenient for you.

3. The more important a filing is, the later it will get to you and the less time you will have to make sure it's correct before the deadline hits.

4. Why do people in cities just wander out into the street without looking? How did they make it to adulthood? I'm thinking of installing a Cattle Catcher on the front of my car to deflect errant pedestrians. That's legal, right?

5. The longer I work with lawyers, the less I want to be one, and the more I hate them. I'm pretty certain a significant rise in the number of lawyers has been the downfall of every civilization going back to Ancient Greece.

6. A recent study said that chewing gum at work reduces your stress by an average of 17%. I'm sure it said nothing about the increased stress among your co-workers who have to listen to you chewing gum.

7. If I ever lose my Rolodex, life as I know it is pretty well over.

8. Small beanbags make excellent paperweights, and are also useful as an object to throw across your office in anger without doing (much) damage.

Warning Signs

2012-02-28T10:07:00.000-05:00

1. All the lawyers are gone. That's usually when the sh*t hits the fan and everything goes to hell. More so if they are all gone on a firm retreat and are too inebriated to help by phone or e-mail. (Yes, I have been there.)

2. A lawyer actually says "thank you" for something that doesn't really deserve thanks. Not a guaranteed warning sign of Bad Things, but certainly a good possibility.

3. It's the last day before you go on vacation for a week. Double points if you have a flight to catch that evening. Triple if it's overseas. That's why I always have my suitcase packed and in the car my last day before vacation.

4. You come in one morning to several dozen new e-mails from your attorney(s), all sent in the wee hours of the morning.

A Question of Vanity

2012-02-22T10:21:00.000-05:00

I'm a guy. I'm getting old(er). One of the many consequences is gray hair. Lately, it's reaching the verge of being noticeable. Based on family history, I have a short window of time before most of my hair is gray. This means that I have to answer an important question:

To color or not to color?

There are many aspects to this which affect my professional life as well as my personal life. In professional life, gray hair denotes experience, but also puts you closer to retirement in an employer's mind (despite your actual age), which can affect how long they think you'll be around. Psychology is just as important as reality in such matters.

Granted, I realize that as a Paralegal blogger most of my readers are probably women. Honestly, I don't know how women approach this question. In my own family it's just something you aren't allowed to discuss. My mother started coloring hers around 50, because she went from her original light brown to "frosted" over about 5 years, and then to medium blonde pretty suddenly.

Most of the men I know either let it go gray fast and live with it, or start coloring at the first sign of gray and fight it as long as possible. My father did the latter before he finally stopped around 65 or so.

So, any tips or thoughts? I'm really wrestling with this. I'm not normally a vain person, so this is more about what's better for my career prospects than anything else.

Places to Go, Crazies to Meet

2012-02-16T09:58:00.001-05:00

Something I have been eternally thankful for in my career is that I haven't had to work in New York City very often. Until I moved to this firm, which has a large NYC presence. Typically once or twice a month I have to go up there for some reason. Let's just say it's not my favorite place to go...

New York City is both a wonderful and a terrible place. Some of the best meals of my life were at NYC restaurants. I have several good friends living there. There's no better place to see plays or concerts.

But New York City is also full of people. Loud, obnoxious and arrogant people seem to congregate in NYC in a much higher ratio than any other American city. Everyone is always in a huge hurry. The more time you spend in NYC, these qualities infect you. You find yourself acting more and more like them, if only out of self-defense.

New York City also has, hands down, the worst Taxi drivers on the planet. Whoever invented the video game Frogger must have gotten their inspiration while riding in a NYC cab. I've been held up at gunpoint and felt safer than the last time I was in a NYC taxi.

With my recent frequent travels to NYC, I've discovered the pure, unmitigated, joyful insanity that is the New York Subway System. You can meet any and every type of human being there. Especially the crazy ones.

Bill Cosby did a stand-up routine called "A Nut In Every Car" back in the 60's, and that is still true today. There's always at least one entertaining nutcase to keep you amused on that long uptown ride. Last December I saw the most entertaining thing ever encountered in my New York travels. Two guys were arguing with each other, but one was speaking Italian and the other Arabic. If they spoke English, they were probably too pissed off to use it and lapsed into their native languages. I know, it's not PC to find that funny, but it was. This went on for the better part of 40 blocks before I had to switch trains.

Pro Bono Blues

2012-02-09T14:13:00.000-05:00

One of the Associates is doing a pro bono case, required by our state's Bar Association. Sometimes pro bono work gives us a good chance to gain some experience in areas of the law that we've never worked on before. Sometimes pro bono work is rewarding, and you get a warm fuzzy feeling for having helped a deserving soul in a bad position.

This, however, is not one of those times...

The saga begins with Associate getting forced by a Court (that we never practice in) to intervene as temporary guardian to protect the interests of a child caught in a custody battle between her squabbling divorced parents. Of course, 99% of the work has been dumped on yours truly so that Associate can go back to billable work. If I could go to the hearings instead of said Associate, I'm sure that last 1% would be mine also. Not that I blame Associate, I'd be doing the same thing if our positions were reversed.

Did I mention that both parents are completely insane, incredibly stupid and in all meaningful ways a total waste of human flesh? I have hundreds of documents from the police and child welfare people about the nonsense these two have pulled on each other. The tactic seems to be "my complaint file is less massive than my ex's, so give me the kid."

Since neither of them can afford attorneys, and Associate is now involved, they seem to think they can ask our office for legal advice at all times of the day and night. Of course, we can't give it to them because (a) we aren't a family law practice and know almost nothing about it, (b) it would be a conflict of interest since we are trying to protect their daughter's welfare and (c) they wouldn't follow it anyway. But that doesn't stop them from asking us. Repeatedly.

Meanwhile, it's becoming painfully clear that this poor child shouldn't be forced to live with either parent. She's better off being raised by wolves, or maybe the Three Stooges. Unfortunately, the Judge is going to have to pick which parent is less crazy, and will be looking at us for guidance. Associate is seriously thinking about filing a motion to have both parents forcibly lobotomized to protect society and absolve us of having to make a recommendation.

I've lost all faith in humanity thanks to this pro bono domestic disaster. This mess makes my own problems look trivial in comparison. I feel so bad for the child in all this, she's such a sweet kid.

Appreciate What You Have

2012-02-03T11:15:00.001-05:00

Recent stories about so-called "spring bonuses" to associates at BigLaw firms, and how some associates are already complaining that they haven't been issued yet, made me wonder:  Didn't we just go through end-of-year bonuses to attorneys a couple months ago? Who complains about not getting another bonus when they weren't guaranteed the first one anyway?

True, annual end-of-year bonuses are customary in most firms. It's understandable to be upset if a firm cheaps out on (or eliminates entirely) the end-of-year bonus that is a long-standing tradition. But people who act as though it's their right to get a second bonus for the year just a couple months later (one that is decidedly not a BigLaw tradition), strike me as incredibly ungrateful in this job market.

I'm happy and thankful just to get one bonus. Even as a senior, highly experienced paralegal with major responsibilities, I make about half of what the most junior first-year associates do.   My billable hour requirements are the same, and I don't go home until they do. So noone can say I haven't worked hard for what I get.

My bonus is typically a week's salary (before taxes), as are bonuses for most non-attorney staff in my experience. That works out to just under 2% of my annual pay. On a good year, I may get a two-week salary bonus, which doubles that to 4%. Attorneys frequently get end-of-year bonuses that are roughly 25% or so of their annual salary. In percentages, that difference is a factor of 6 to 12 times as much as I get.

So next time attorneys complain about the lack of a second bonus, remember there are still thousands of unemployed lawyers who were laid off 2 or more years ago that would kill you and melt your body in acid just to take your job.  Not to say all those 3L's graduating this year who still don't have jobs. Get your priorities straight and be thankful that you still have a six-figure job at all.

I Feel Your Pain

2012-02-01T10:10:00.000-05:00

Whilst perusing my traffic sources out of bored self-consciousness, I noticed one particularly amusing search term that led to a visit to this humble blog:

"i am a legal assistant and i want to murder my coworkers"

Whoever you are, I really do feel your pain, as do many of your fellow legal staffers and paralegals. Many of us have felt that way. Good luck, and try not to act on those thoughts.

I don't think it means what you think it means

2012-01-31T10:44:00.000-05:00

"We'll have it ready for you in 15 minutes" actually translates as "you'd better plan to eat dinner at your desk tonight".

"ECF filing" is redundant because "ECF" stands for "Electronic Case Filing". You're actually saying "filing" twice.

That deep sigh I just made was NOT one of contentment, but resignation.

"You have plenty of time" means "get this done right now".

Why Haven't I Been Sent to an Insane Asylum Yet?

2012-01-27T09:24:00.000-05:00

After a long day of churning through some of the most boring discovery documents in the history of litigation, one of the Associates comes to me and mentions we will be producing documents in another case and asking if I could help out. (Not really a question, but at least he was being polite.)

I was told everything should be ready and all I needed to do was put everything onto a CD for transmittal to opposing counsel. Seems striaghtforward, right? Hah! I ended up burning and copying 3 different sets of disks, because Associate kept changing things in the production set, even though we've had this stuff for weeks. I made it to the FedEx drop off with minutes to spare.

After all these years, that kind of thing still frustrates me. If you know when a deadline is, why the hell can't you prepare for it? Ask for help? Something? I should know and expect otherwise, but I foolishly still keep thinking Attorneys will know better.

Schooling the Young 'uns

2012-01-26T09:58:00.000-05:00

After enough time as a Paralegal, you start to work for Attorneys who were in 8th grade when you started in this profession. Some of those young Associates are smart enough to listen to their experienced Paralegal's wisdom and guidance. Others, not so much...

If there's a single piece of advice I give to Attorneys, it is "Listen to your Paralegal". Especially if that Paralegal has been doing the job far longer.

We may not have gone to Law School, but we've been around the block enough times to know what's what.

We know that Judges don't want to be bothered with a meaningless hearing because the Attorney decided to get into a pissing match with opposing counsel over something pointless. Some Attorneys never seem to grasp that concept, despite our reminders of how they got bitch-slapped by the Judge last time.

We know the proper way to submit pleadings to make sure they get to where they are going. Attorneys don't.

We know where everything in the file is, and where it's supposed to be. Attorneys are generally incapable of handling this simple task and should NEVER be handed the only copy of something.

We know exactly who to talk to at the Clerk's Office to fix most logistical problems. 90% of these can be fixed without contacting the Judge's Chambers.

So Attorneys, just listen to your Paralegals and everything will work out fine. OK?

The Glories of Miscommunication

2012-01-23T10:07:00.003-05:00

The Office Manager at my new firm is nice, laid back, and doesn't get worked up about anything. Usually that's a good thing, but it can get incredibly frustrating. I've learned not to involve her unless there is no other choice, but unfortunately the attorneys haven't worked that part out yet. Especially when they give urgent requests for things without using e-mail.

Some of the Attorneys still filter many of their requests for paralegal and secretarial level tasks through the Office Manager, instead of contacting one of us directly. Inevitably, she somehow mangles the instructions in the course of walking down the hall to my office. After a few occasions where I went back and forth with her about trying to clarify what they wanted, I finally got fed up and started contacting them directly if it took me more than a few minutes to figure out.

This last time, I spent 10 minutes without finding what was wanted. I went back to said Attorney for clarification, and it turns out, he was looking for something entirely different which I was able to find in about 2 minutes.

I'm beginning to think the Office Manager's job is to impede the flow of work. I have yet to work for an Office Manager that actually knew how to do what they apparently think is their job. I also hope these Attorneys figure out that they should just skip her entirely and come directly to me.

If I weren't a Paralegal

2012-01-18T22:30:00.000-05:00

What do you think you would be doing if you weren't a Paralegal? The Purgatory Panel wants to know! Post your answer here if you dare!

Hint: I would be a mover.

An Education Reform Threat to the Paralegal Profession?

2012-01-18T10:09:00.001-05:00

Joe Palazzolo of the Wall Street Journal Law Blog recently published an article highlighting a proposal to offer a "Law Major" as an undergraduate degree option. The short version, you would spend 2 of the 4 undergrad years studying what the first 2 years of Law School are currently teaching, followed by a one-year apprenticeship after graduation prior to taking the Bar.

Let's analyze this proposal a bit...

While this seems to make sense given skyrocketing Law School tuitions (and is remarkably similar to how the United Kingdom educates lawyers), it will never fly here in the States. Why? Because post-graduate Law Schools are serious cash cows for the universities they are affiliated with. Do you think it actually costs the average law school upwards of $40,000 to $50,000 per year to educate law students? If that were the case, undergraduate studies would cost a lot more than they do.

There would be a flood of new young associates available to firms under this proposal. Such an increase in supply inevitably leads to much lower starting salaries (Economics 101). This isn't a problem for the attorneys, since new associates wouldn't be saddled with an average $100,000 or more in student loan debt.

More, and cheaper, new associates means less need for trained, experienced Paralegals. At best, it would seriously drive down our salaries and job security. At worst, it could kill off our profession entirely over time.

Ironically, the only group that may support this idea is Law Firms. Lower starting salaries for new Associates, who could bill at the same (or nearly so) rate as they currently do. That means a LOT more money flowing into the Partnership's pockets. Somehow I doubt Law Firms would significantly lower their billing rates, and would readily find a way to maximize the benefit to clients of having even more lawyers working on their cases. Certainly no lawyer I have ever worked for would seriously consider it, no matter how much cheaper new Associates might be.

Thoughts?

It's Like I'm Nostradamus

2012-01-13T09:32:00.000-05:00

A few months ago, I posted about the importance of paralegals being mobile. Prophetically, that sage advice has come back to haunt me. A new associate is starting next week, and guess who's office they need?

Yep, I'm being evicted from the last room left that can be technically called an "office". My new home will be a storage room. For now, I won't even have a desk. Just a fold-up work table and a rolling file cabinet. Yay. At least it's out of the way and they haven't put me in a high-traffic area where everyone can silently mock my misfortune.

I'm told that additional offices are being planned, but there's no timeline yet. I'm half expecting the new offices to be in the third sub-basement right next to the emergency generator and sump-pumps.

Excuse me, but you borrowed my red Swingline stapler...

Grumpy's Sayings

2012-01-12T13:27:00.000-05:00

It's been noted that there are a few phrases I tend to use far too often. I've put together a list of some of the more amusing ones:

The Stupid! It Burns!

Go away and let me do this before you hurt your brain.

There's an easier way to do that, but I'm too entertained watching you fail to show you.

Well, that was stupid. (Usually said to myself, daily.)

Dear Lord I'm surrounded by idiots. (Again, usually to myself and most often while driving.)

I'd rather try wallpapering a cat.

Yep, I'm a compassionate, caring, thoughtful sort of guy. Just like you thought I was.

This is why I tell people at parties I'm a dentist

2012-01-11T14:12:00.000-05:00

OK, here is the bad court decision to end all bad court decisions, only superceded in badness by the gall of filing the case to begin with:

http://thestir.cafemom.com/in_the_news/130874/dead_teen_sued_by_victim?utm_medium=sem2&utm_campaign=outbrain&utm_source=outbrain&utm_content=outbrain&quick_picks=1

Bankruptcy is Not a Death Rattle

2012-01-11T09:55:00.001-05:00

Today's news that Hostess (maker of Twinkies) is filing for bankruptcy was greeted with the usual parade of "it's all over" and "they are going to close forever" comments from the media, even those who are supposed to be business experts. Nothing pisses me off more than when "Bankruptcy" is used as a synonym for "Going Out of Business Forever".

Having worked in corporate bankruptcy practice, a company filing for bankruputcy protection is NOT the end of the road. It may be one step down that road, but there are still plenty of things that can change. Many companies leave bankruptcy and go on to continue as successful entities. Not to say that's a guarantee of Hostess turning things around, but there's also no guarantee that they will be closing down forever either.

Will there be some layoffs? Probably. Will there be drama surrounding employee benefits and retirement funds? Most likely. Will investors lose money? Almost certainly.

Do we need to run out and stock up on Twinkies like the Zombie Apocalypse is coming? No.

By The Skin Of My Teeth

2012-01-10T15:49:00.000-05:00

Lately I have been reflecting on the past, and it struck me how many mistakes I've made, yet managed to somehow avoid getting in serious trouble. Usually by speaking before thinking.

In no particular order, here's a few things I've said to attorneys that in context should have gotten me fired, but somehow didn't:

"I've been doing this since you were in High School, so go the hell away now and let me fix your mistakes."

"How did you ever graduate High School, much less pass the Bar Exam?" (Even worse, this was over the phone to opposing counsel. Fortunately, everyone in town hates her guts so I was cut some slack.)

"Shut up, go away and come back when you're done being a dick."

My worst moment didn't even involve words, just a gutteral noise as I hurled a 3-inch binder of Medical Records at a retreating associate. (He did something quite unethical and knew I could sic the Disciplinary Committee on him if he tried to report me.)

1.10.2012 Useless Information

2012-01-10T10:12:00.002-05:00

There are no squirrels in Australia.

Where did I put that leaf blower?

2012-01-09T16:07:00.000-05:00

Today is National Clean-Off-Your-Desk Day. OK, so this post is a bit late (so sue me, I was busy), but before leaving at least TRY to get all your crap organized.

After all, your office needs to be clean in order to celebrate Pat Benatar's birthday tomorrow.

Hey, this week needs all the help it can get. As Namby Pamby, Esq. pointed out earlier on Twitter, Today's a Full Moon and 4 days later it's Friday the 13th. Plus it's the first five-day work week of the year. Now if that isn't a recipe for disaster, what is?

Life During Wartime

2012-01-06T10:10:00.003-05:00

Most of the non-attorney staff in this office are pretty new to law-firm life. All are good at their jobs, but have some lessons to learn about dealing with attorneys. Since I’ve been doing this for *cough*-teen years, it’s clear that I need to lead by example and show them a few things. First lesson: Dealing with an associate when he decides to be a raging jackass.

I haven’t come up with a good nickname for him yet, so for now I’ll just call him Associate. Generally we work well together and get along fine. Once in a while, though, he gets whipped into a frenzy for no good reason and starts grossly mistreating the non-attorney staff. There have been times when I can tell he’s actually restraining himself from smacking someone. He stops being rational, won't explain what he wants done, and gets even more agitated when you try to ask for details. Like what case it’s for.

The first time Associate went off on one of his tirades after I got here, I wasn’t involved so it was better to simply observe and record. He tosses a project at someone, yells at them to "just get it done", that person timidly says "OK", and then tries to figure out what Associate wants without disturbing him. This led to the inevitable mistakes, which only made Associate more upset, and started a cycle that ends with a staff member in tears.

The next time he went off the reservation, it was directed at me and I knew exactly how to handle it: return his fire and call him out for being an unreasonable jackass. With my door open and in earshot of most of the office, I promptly told him to “shut the f**k up, count to ten, and explain it again calmly and completely”. There was DEAD SILENCE, except for a phone ringing off in the distance. Associate looked like I’d just slapped him across the face. He collected himself and stormed to the Office Manager, presumably to try and have me fired.

Office Manager has been issuing the verbal beat-down to snot-nosed egomaniacal attorneys since the Reagan Administration. If this were a cop show, she'd be the grizzled old precinct captain. She knows exactly how he acts and backed me up by telling Associate he was completely out of line and that I did nothing wrong by demanding that he calm down and provide clarification. She also sternly told him that he can’t treat the staff this way and, just to drive home the point, said he’ll never make Partner in this firm if that behavior continues. I suspect she had the speech prepared already but was just waiting for the right employee to snap back at Associate.

5 minutes later he came back and calmly explained what he needed done, and I cheerily said "OK, I understand and will get right on this". He never apologized, though I wouldn’t expect an attorney to apologize for anything. But now he can tell by my glare when he needs to calm down and stop overreacting.

Associate learned that he can’t browbeat people (at least not all of us), and the rest of the office learned that I won’t tolerate any crap. Lesson concluded.

What's Pissing Me Off Today

2012-01-05T09:31:00.000-05:00

In no particular order:

Why do people in expensive cars feel entitled to drive like raging a$$holes? Two Beemers and a Caddy took turns trying to run me off the highway this morning. I'm debating whether to start carrying a brick in my car to hurl at these people.

We're out of coffee. How the f**k does a law firm run out of coffee? They'd better reimburse me for the overpriced burnt stuff I had to go back downstairs and buy. (Yes, I know free coffee is a perk not an entitlement, but you get my point.)

Can't we go through ONE winter without a major snow event? Please? Is that asking too much?

This Makes No Sense

2012-01-04T09:43:00.000-05:00

The office I am now working in is much smaller than my previous one. Far fewer people, although the firm itself is much larger. I also have a much broader range of responsibilities.

So tell me why, after 2 weeks off, I come back to this job and there's almost nothing for me to clean up? At my last firm, I was one of many, but noone could be bothered to handle anything when I took time off, so I had to spend hours (sometimes days) getting caught up.

I am pleasantly perplexed.

New Year, New Emergencies

2012-01-01T20:09:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year 2012!!!

I spent New Year's Eve discovering my newest favorite TV series, "The Walking Dead". It got me thinking about some things...

Such as emergency preparedness. I've had some training in this field, plus many years of watching science fiction, has made me rather mentally prepared for the Worst Case Scenario. If there's anything Science Fiction teaches you, it's that the impossible really can happen, with little or no warning.

First, I've put together a survival kit. My hiking backpack frame hanging in the basement holds a tent, blankets, spare set of clothes, waterproof matches, some bottled water, hatchet, multitool (think Leatherman), compass, multivitamins (swap these out whenever you buy a new bottle), knives (big for carving up meat, medium for slicing food, small for detail work like making shavings for starting fires), small ratchet/wrench set (never know when you need to fix a machine, or help someone do it), chlorine (one drop purifies a quart of water).

Guns, while glorified in movies and TV, are a much more personal issue in the real world. Some people abhorr them, some accept them. Popular culture has conflicting views. I will not pretend to say one side is better than the other. Proceed as you see fit and feel comfortable with from this point on. These are my own opinions, and do not reflect the position of any other person or organization. I cannot overstate the importance of being trained in the proper handling of firearms.

From what I know of human nature, emergencies breed panic. Panic causes irrationality. Irrationality brings on Bad Decisions, such as shooting the first thing that moves when you are afraid. Which is why you shouldn't shoot first and look after.

In these situations, I would rather have a gun than not. But I have been trained in handling guns and more importantly, when NOT to use them. If you have not been trained, but would like to be familiar with the operation of basic firearms, contact your local police force and they can direct you to a responsible training facility in your area. I have yet to meet a police force that doesn't want civilians to be at least somewhat familiar with firearms. Most responsible gun shops either have their own firing range for testing purposes, or are aquainted with a local firing range where they can set up a testing session for a few bucks.

As I said before, firearms are dangerous, despite the Hollywood glamour built around their use. Firearms are meant for one purpose, and that is to kill. Their use is not to be taken lightly.

Enough lecturing. All of this assumes that I cannot stay in my own home, and need to be mobile quickly.

Bonuses, or Above The Law tries to be nice and succeeds!

2011-12-22T13:15:00.001-05:00

Above The Law wrote a very thoughtful article today about how a lot of people in this industry get no bonuses at all, and specifically mentions paralegals and secretaries. They were tacitly chastising some of the associates who were bitching and moaning about how "low" their bonuses were. I was working on a post myself about how self-serving, petty and childish those complaints are, but ATL beat me to the punch. It's well worth a read, but don't venture into the comments section unless you want to get very, very angry.

Instead, I'll just end with a short note about my personal situation. An associate with my level of experience would be getting a bonus roughly equal to 15% of their annual salary. My bonus this year is a shade over 4% of my annual salary, and that's twice what I got at my last firm.

But I am NOT complaining about my bonus, in fact I'm happy to get anything extra at all. If anyone feels otherwise, I suggest you compare the definitions of "bonus" and "entitlement" in the dictionary, then smack yourself upside the head with a 2x4.

Grumpy's Holiday Season

2011-12-22T09:50:00.000-05:00

This time of year is not one of my favorites. Last year at this time, I was in the midst of preparing for a large trial, and didn't get a chance to really do anything with the holidays. Even Christmas Day was cut short, I ran in for dinner with my family and vanished back to the office a couple hours later.

This year, it's back to the normal routine. Slow. As in tick....

tock...

tick...

tock...

Between the light caseload, and everyone going away, there's just not much to do. There's only so much time I can spend playing Brickbreaker on my Crackberry. I really forgot just how God-Awful slow it can get at the end of the year. At least in Litigation. I actually start to envy the Corporate and M&A departments, who at least have deals to close by the end of the year. Hell, there's not even much to blog about, since noone's around to annoy me.

Wait... is this what some people refer to as "being happy"? I'm not sure.

What's wrong here?

2011-12-21T13:22:00.001-05:00

America is going straight down the tubes, and in no particular order here are some of the reasons why:

1. We actually have to TELL people not to text-message while driving, then make it illegal just to drive home the point. Seriously? That falls under “spitting into the wind” stupid.

2. The average American knows more about the personal lives of Hollywood actors than they do about basic geography or recent history.

3. The Kardashians are STILL famous, and no one has yet to provide me with an adequate explanation why. Every time I see a commercial for one of their shows, a piece of my soul dies. Which brings me to…

4. Reality Television, probably the most oxymoronic phrase in the English language.

5. Lawyers are paid more than teachers, yet are vastly less important to the advancement of society and knowledge.

6. We have to put warning labels on coffee that it’s hot. Really? Why don’t we have a plane flying overhead every day with a banner warning us not to look directly at the sun? Who can I sue about that?

7. Congress. (I was going to expand on this, but really. Do I need to? Didn’t think so.) I'd compare them to a pack of monkeys flinging poop at each other, but I think that might offend the monkeys.

Now, don't get me wrong. I still think the USA is one of the greatest places on Earth to live, and I'm proud to do so. But if we don't get our collective heads out of our asses and start acting like intelligent humans, we're freakin' doomed.

...is paved with good intentions

2011-12-20T09:46:00.003-05:00

Normally I try to avoid political issues in this blog, mostly because it generates a lot of hate e-mails. But this morning I came into my office, looked out the window and saw something that I just had to mention.

The Occupy movement finally figured out where the law firms are in my city. Right now, I can see a group of them staked out in a little park. For months, they were camped out near several Bank buildings. Apparently, they’ve decided to target BigLaw firms that represent the 1%. Because we all know that Lawyers will readily drop their richest clients over some well-meaning political protests.

And now the police have arrived. This should be interesting. Excuse me while I go watch the festivities.

There But For The Grace of a Practice Group...

2011-12-16T14:51:00.000-05:00

A young associate I'm friendly with over in the Corporate group ("Bob") has been working day and night on a deal for the better part of a week. This morning, I show up early to the office to find him still hunched over his desk like Quasimodo, hammering away on his keyboard, exactly as he was last night when I left, roughly 12 hours before. Here's how the conversation went:

Me: "Good morning."
Bob: *blink* "It's morning?"
Me: "Yes. When was the last time you went home?"
Bob: "I'm not sure, is it still December?"
Me: "Yes, you've got a few days left. It probably wouldn't kill you to go home and... you know... shower?"
Bob: *sniff* "Maybe you're right."

Bob lives 2 miles from the office. I'm pretty sure he hadn't been home in several days. Even during the worst trials, I always manage to find an hour or two each day to go home for a shower and change of clothes.

Now ask me again why I didn't go to law school.

Partied Out

2011-12-15T10:22:00.000-05:00

I used to enjoy the holiday season, but this year I am officially partied out. Yesterday was holiday party number 4. Of the now *7* I'm obligated to go to. Yes, there are 7 holiday parties that I MUST attend. There are easily twice as many that I could attend but don't have to. Two for the firm, three for important clients and two for critical vendors we need to keep happy. I'm not big on mingling and small talk, especially when everyone else is drinking. This is SUCH a great time of year to be a recovering alkie.

The one I'm fearing the most is next week, the big shin-dig in New York for the entire firm. As we all know, Lawyers can DRINK. So it will be me and a few thousand wasted co-workers. Yay. I can't wait.

Being a Superhero

2011-12-12T10:33:00.000-05:00

Typically my new firm practices in one court. That said, the chief reason they brought me on board is my deep experience in many different courts and practice areas. Since this office is expanding and noone knows where they will be needing help, they felt it was important to have someone who could handle almost anything. Unfortunately, since things are slow right now there hasn't been much of a chance for me to dazzle the new attorneys with my awesomeness. (Not that I'm complaining. After many years of being an overburdened underpaid minion at my last firm, it's nice to have a reasonable workload and get home before 8 PM more often than not.)

Until last week. A surprise matter popped up in a court none of the attorneys in our office had ever worked in. Fortunately, it's one I've worked in since Clinton was President and pleadings were filed on paper. (Yes, we used to file pleadings on paper by hand delivery to the Clerk's Office. And yes, I'm that old.)

Since the attorneys in my office knew diddly squat about this court, everyone was running around in a tizzy trying to figure out what we had to do. I stepped in, calmly explained in detail all the steps they had to take, drafted the appropriate pleadings and effectively took control. Crisis averted, user logins obtained, pleadings timely filed and we made our main office very happy.

My attorneys are finally grasping how awesome I really am. Just in time for the holidays.

The Paralegal Survival Kit

2011-12-08T09:47:00.000-05:00

No matter what firm I work in, or type of law it involves, emergencies always arise. Years of experience has taught me that there is no solution like being prepared for anything...

Following are a few items that every paralegal should have in their very own Emergency Survival Kit:

1. Food. There will inevitably be sudden late nights trapped at your computer for longer than your blood sugar can manage. My kit includes a jar of peanuts (perfect for keeping blood sugar stable), beef jerky (high protein, provides a nice boost without the high caffeine/sugar content of energy drinks), a couple cans of soup and several bottles of water.

2. Paper. ALWAYS keep a secret stash of copier paper that noone else knows about. I keep 2 reams under a filing cabinet (yes under, as in you have to pick the cabinet up to find them). There's nothing worse than running out of paper in this job when you really, really need it.

3. Pain Reliever. There's always a bottle of ibuprofen somewhere in my desk. Always.

4. Tabs. Having a spare set of number and letter tabs squirreled away is incredibly useful. Especially if someone else in your office is responsible for maintaining and ordering supplies.

5. Home. This is important for those of us who live some distance from work. Always keep a set of everything you need to do your job at your own home. The best investment I ever made was a combination printer/scanner/copier/fax. I only use it a handful of times per year, but each time saves me an hour round-trip to my office on a weekend or holiday. Also, always be prepared to go straight to court from your house if necessary, and keep a stash of legal pads, pens, pencils and such at home just in case.

Feel free to share additional tips in the comments. A little preparation can be all the difference between being a zero or a hero to your firm.

Things I Don't Understand

2011-12-02T09:38:00.000-05:00

I never pretended to be the smartest or most knowledgable person in the world, but there's a few things going on in this world that I simply cannot fathom...

1. People who are famous but haven't actually done anything to earn it. Example A: The Kardashians. Best I can tell, their stepfather won some Olympic medals about 30 years ago. Why does that earn them a TV show? Are we really that starved for entertainment in this day and age?

2. Driving in the passing lane without passing. Pass the cars in the right lane or GTFO of my way.

3. Office Managers at Law Firms. In all the firms I've worked, I can't fully grasp exactly what they do, other than hold useless meetings and do a little accounting work here and there. Take on some cases for cryin' out loud! I'm sure there are valuable office managers out there, but so far I haven't encountered one. Or a firm that actually needs one.

4. Road Construction during rush hour that involves un-needed lane closures. It's like the DOT is just screwing with us.

Holidays, and the havoc they wreak

2011-11-29T09:44:00.000-05:00

Longtime readers are familiar with my ongoing struggle with Alcoholism. The holiday season, from mid-November through early January, is one of the most difficult for me to get through.

Not only do we have to put up with the usual day-to-day stress in our professional and personal lives, but all the added issues that the various end-of-year holidays bring up.

There's the constant temptations of holiday parties, many with open bars. I'm up to 5 already in the next few weeks, between firm events I have to attend, important clients we need to keep happy, and critical vendors we must maintain good relations with.

Then there's the kicker: Seasonal Affective Disorder, which I've suffered from during the holiday season ever since childhood, and stampedes through one side of the family. It kicks in the first time I hear one of those ubiquitous holiday songs, and lasts until sometime in early January. Antidepressants take the edge off sometimes, but not entirely.

Take a warning from one who knows (me): Be careful this time of year. Our occupation has a high rate of people with alcohol/substance abuse problems, and they really do sneak up on you.

Being Thankful

2011-11-24T18:55:00.001-05:00

Before we begin, regular readers must be aware that I'm (mostly) departing from my usual snarcasm-filled ire.

Today is a day when we in the United States of America gather with family and/or friends, to recognize and celebrate the great blessings, freedoms and luck that we enjoy. This is thanks to the bravery and sacrifices of our ancestors, most who came to this great land, be it 2 hours or 20000 years ago.

I am thankful for:

A loving (although smothering) family who has supported me through thick and thin without turning their backs on me, ever, even when they had every right to do so.

The opportunity to do a job I like (yes, I do like it!) and make a decent living in the bargain.

The freedom to say what I want, write what I want, and eat what I want. (Right now I'm eating leftover potato skins with cheddar cheese and bacon that were appetizers earlier today. Turkey only takes a man so far.)

For each and every reader of this blog, who have commented on my posts, encouraged me by e-mail, asked me for advice, and played along with my random silliness over on the Paralegal Hell Purgatory Panel.

That my favorite football team has yet again lived up to their reputation as "nearly good enough to be almost great", as they have for the past 22 seasons. (I have low expectations from this team I'm especially thankful they haven't completely imploded yet.)

Most of all, I am thankful to live in a (relatively) free country. People who live here may complain about the USA, but it's a better place to live than anywhere else on earth.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Away

2011-11-21T09:31:00.000-05:00

This is a busy travel week for Grumpy. Attending out-of-town seminars all week, then a long trek to the Humbug Homestead for the holiday weekend. As a result, posting will be sporadic or nonexistent this week, but I promise to be back in the swing next week.

GH

Stupid the Cat

2011-11-18T21:21:00.001-05:00

Due to literally no ~~some~~ a few requests, I'm relenting to no pressure and publishing pictures of my beloved ~~yet barely mentioned,~~ best friend Stupid the Cat. I feel that these ~~poorly planned~~ candid pictures capture him in his ~~most clueless~~ best possible light.

First, a candid shot to prove he really IS a cat:

This is how he spends most of his day. I envy the joy he gets from spreading out on a brick floor for 8 hours straight. Bastard.

Next, he's looking into your eyes and saying "what? huh? noms? belly scratch? Am I adorable enough?"

This is what I come home to each night. Yet mysteriously, I still come home each night. Mostly because at least one creature on this miserable planet is happy to see me just because I'm there, and not because I'm doing anything to benefit them.

Finally, the ~~saddest~~ coup de grace, and most apt pose,

"Hey, where are you going? I'm cute! DAMMIT I AM SO F#%$ing CUTE!!! COME BACK!!!"

That's what I leave behind each morning going to work. It does remind me that I need to go to work in order to buy the kibble to feed Stupid the Cat, so that he doesn't have to go back out into the wild and try to capture his own food with his amazing skills of cute adorableness.

Hell is Covered in Beige

2011-11-18T10:08:00.000-05:00

Recently I was struck by a sudden realization. Of all the offices I have worked in, none stand out in my mind for their interior decorating. Law offices are universally boring places to look at. Oh, the reception area and the odd conference room at a high-end firm may be decked out in paneling or marble to impress visitors and clients, but back where the employees work it's a sea of neutral colors...

Walls are some variation of dull off-white. Occasionally, someone will go crazy and pick taupe. Not even an accent wall of red, green or blue to break things up.

Carpet is light grey or beige, colors chosen for their ability to hide light traffic stains and dust. I'd kill to have a nice dark hardwood floor in my office.

Doors are some variation of light grey, or occasionally frosted glass. One place I worked in had wood-veneer doors, but it was still a generic beige finish. They couldn't spring for some cherry or walnut stain? It's the same price people.

Furniture is also boring. Partners and the occasional senior associate furnish their own offices, but for the rest of us it's standard boring office furniture. Oh, joy, another maple-veneer neo-modern desk that looks exactly like everyone else's. (One prior employer who frequent readers know as Asshat actually bought us USED office furniture. Cheap used office furniture. That was the lowest point in my career.)

I manage to dress up my office with plants in colorful pots. Lots and lots of plants. Sometimes I even talk to them, usually about how boring the rest of the room looks.

Why I Hate Phones

2011-11-14T15:48:00.000-05:00

Hard-line old-school telephones are evil, annoying and outdated technology that, for some reason, people just can't let go of. Especially in an office environment. In today's era of cell phones, e-mail, video conferencing and web searches, it seems to me there is no real need for them anymore. They have gone the way of the 8-track and VHS, but businesses simply don't realize it yet.

Telephones were invented over 140 years ago. How many technologies that old are still required office equipment? Other than pens, pencils and paper, nothing jumps to mind. (Furniture does not count as technology here.)

I have no fewer than 3 work-related phone numbers (desk, crackberry and the main office #). Eliminate the hard-line phones, and that's just one number the firm has to maintain for me. Multiply that by however many employees a firm has and you can see a huge cost savings right there.

Maybe it's just me, but there is no noise in a business environment more jarring than the constant ringing of telephones. It's especially true in the land of the cube, where the entire room can hear any phone ringing. Not to mention that annoyingly loud co-worker's phone conversations.

Of course, if we were allowed to telecommute, then this would be a moot question. Baby steps.

How To Know You're Going To Have A Bad Day

2011-11-08T09:30:00.000-05:00

After *cough*-teen years of doing this job, I've learned of a few sure-fire signs of a bad day to come...

1. Your attorney e-filed something the night before without assistance.

2. You show up early, but people are already staking out your desk needing "a favor".

3. There's nothing on the calendar. (Trust me on this one. Those are the worst.)

4. It's your last day before a week off.

5. It's the last day before a long weekend.

6. An attorney walks into your office and starts the conversation with the phrase "Good news!"

7. You just got your desk cleaned off yesterday.

As Will Rogers once said...

2011-11-04T09:41:00.000-04:00

"Common sense ain't that common." Which is especially true of Lawyers. There are days when I wonder whether my lawyers would walk straight into the path of traffic if they didn't have us around.

So today, on Will Rogers' birthday, we celebrate Use Your Common Sense Day. Or, as any experienced paralegal calls it, "an average workday".

P.S. - Ralph Macchio turns 50 today. Yes, you can feel old now. You're welcome.

Paralegals, Roll Out!

2011-11-01T10:17:00.000-04:00

One key aspect to being a Paralegal is mobility. Never get tied down to one physical location for your workspace. I've moved from one desk to another more times than I care to remember, frequently because new associates arrived and needed office space. Throughout these experiences, there have been some painful lessons learned...

Don't have any more personal effects at work than you can carry in a single box. Not only does this make moving to another desk simpler and faster, it also comes in handy if you get terminated or quit with no warning.

Always keep backups of important non-case-related documents either on a personal e-mail account that you can access through the internet, or a thumb drive. Networks crash, and the first thing a law firm does after your employment ends is to change your password.

NEVER store anything on your work PC's hard drive. I once had a PC upgraded with no warning and lost a lot of important forms. When a law firm takes a computer out of service, the IT folks typically drill holes through the hard drive to make it unreadable. That usually happens within 24 hours.

IT folks love to wipe old data on the network that isn't part of a specific case file (usually anything over 180 days). It helps them put off expensive and time-consuming server and storage upgrades. (Anyone who has tried to explain a litigation hold to computer geeks knows that special level of hell.) This will likely include your personal storage folder on the firm's network.

NEVER tell anyone that you like your particular location. EVER. Because someone will suddenly "need" your space for something and move you into a storage closet or sub-basement. (Think Milton, the Red Stapler guy in Office Space. I've been there, but without the arson.) That rule is #3 after Death and Taxes.

A Few Things I Just Don't Get

2011-10-26T15:56:00.002-04:00

There are a few things about life that I just don't "get" so to speak. Here's a few...

1. The inexplicable need for lawyers and judges to use Latin phrases instead of just saying stuff in the same language the rest of the document is written in. It’s a dead language people, let it rest in peace.

2. Glee. I’m just too straight and male. (Sorry, PH.)

3. People who drive in the left lane on the highway and don’t pass.

4. Fashion. I understand that some people want to look good, I just don’t particularly care. My entire professional wardrobe involves khakis, white shirts and a couple of plain suits. In a world where we aren’t supposed to judge people by their appearance, we spend a lot of time, effort and money on appearance.

5. People who are famous despite not having done anything to earn it. Like Jersey Shore, or the Kardashians. Unless I’m missing some key piece of information.

6. Why do Blue Book citations still use old-style abbreviations for US states that the rest of the world abandoned 40-some years ago? Wouldn’t it be much easier on everyone if they changed to the standard 2-letter format the Post Office requires?

7. Where’s my effin’ flying car already?

The Grand Illusion

2011-10-20T09:57:00.000-04:00

Being new, and having been through "new guy" status a number of times, I take everything with a healthy grain of salt until I'm there long enough to form my own picture of office politics. The most important thing is to not take sides and keep your head down. Turns out, this has served me well at my new digs...

Recently, several of the staff and a couple of the Associates went out to lunch on one of the rare non-rainy days. Since the Office Manager ("OM") wasn't with us, talk inevitably turned to her. Apparently, things aren't as rosy as I previously believed. Turns out the OM didn't work at a law firm for many years before she came here, but rather came along with the current Managing Partner ("MP") when he joined the firm from a corporate post, where she was his secretary.

It's important to note that I have nothing against secretaries, either legal or corporate. God knows they have saved my ass any number of times in the past. Nor do I have a problem with promoting someone from secretary to manager. But I DO have a problem with promoting a corporate secretary to law firm manager. Seperate worlds with entirely different skillsets.

So, while chit-chatting at lunch, it became clear that everyone in the firm (except MP) has a low opinion of OM's abilities and leadership quality. Most of the problem stems from the fact that most of us have spent many, many years in law firms. OM hasn't worked in a law firm for nearly 20 years, and has very little idea how things have changed during that time. The biggest complaint was her complete lack of urgency about anything. She accepts the idea of bureaucratic red-tape delays as normal, and makes no effort to speed up anything, regardless of how badly the attorneys need her to.

So, I've encountered my first hurdle. Fortunately, I'm the new guy, so I can play stupid and bypass her as much as possible. Make it a "normal" thing for the attorneys and the Main Office people to consider me her independent equal.

The hardest part is that she's actually a very nice person, with good intentions, and I like her personally. We get along great. She just doesn't grasp how different law firm life is from her previous career. I will have to do some not-so-nice things to make life easier in the long run, especially for new paralegals that get hired if we expand. So I'm conflicted, but will have to somehow get over it. Fortunately, working with lawyers this long has made me aggressively pushy out of self-defense.

Another Apocalypse

2011-10-14T09:51:00.000-04:00

Remember how the world ended on May 21, 2011? Neither do I. Apparently the date was wrong, and we only have a week left:

http://newsfeed.time.com/2011/10/13/harold-campings-back-with-a-brand-new-doomsday-prediction/?hpt=hp_t2

Not holding my breath, but I'll be heading to Costco for Spam just in case.

Congratulations! It's a bouncing baby problem!

2011-10-14T09:28:00.000-04:00

Sigh. The Main Office ("TMO") strikes again. I sense a running theme here in my new digs.

I sent them a large pile of documents that we received from our client. Being new, I contacted the appropriate minion at TMO's discovery support department for instructions. After following the minion's instructions on how to organize the documents appropriately, they were forwarded to said minion.

Days pass, and one of our associates comes to me and says the documents are not loaded correctly into the discovery software. So now I have to spend yet more time fixing a problem that could have been avoided if (a) minion had given me the correct instructions or (b) someone at TMO bothered to notice the problem and spend an extra couple of minutes fixing it before scanning the documents.

Yep, communication is SUPER-great between us and TMO.

Communication Breakdown

2011-10-12T10:32:00.001-04:00

The main office of the firm is large. Super-BigLaw. Bureaucracy is the name of the game there, and rightfully so due to the volume of work they need to handle. Responsibility for different aspects of case management are broken up among dozens of people in numerous departments.

The office I work in is much smaller. Those same tasks are done by just one or two of us in the regional offices, because our caseloads are much smaller and more localized.

The most frustrating aspect setting up my practice has been attempting to explain that to the bureaucrats. They just don't grasp the difference in scale, or the need for me to be able to do more than one kind of task. After nearly a month, I still don't have a fifth of the access I need to key systems, databases, etc. in order to do my job. (Every time I hear "you aren't supposed to handle 'X', that's another department" after telling them we don't have multiple departments here, a piece of my soul dies and a fairy loses her wings.)

The worst part is trying to explain all of this to the attorneys here in the regional office, who don't understand why I can't do X, Y and Z. Attorneys aren't known for their tolerance or patience.

The New Job

2011-10-05T10:00:00.000-04:00

I'm settling in at the new firm. Things are slower compared to my last job, but I'm ~~thrilled~~ not complaining. It's nice to have some breathing room.

The attorneys I'm working with seem to be a good bunch, albeit a little reluctant to let me take on some of the burden. Admittedly, it does take time to build trust in a new co-worker.

The staff are all intelligent professionals, and there doesn't seem to be any personality conflicts (yet). I'm going out of my way to avoid anything.

The biggest change is having a much larger support network available through the main office. It's amazing (at least for me) to have entire departments devoted to document production, word processing, etc., and not scrounge around begging for help from already overloaded co-workers. I can accomplish a lot more actual paralegal work and pass off the BS paper-shuffling onto people who have the right tools, and are much faster and better at it.

Another plus is no more out-of-state co-counsel. Everything is done within the firm, and there's a lot more communication about who's doing what.

I'm sure bad things will eventually come to light, but so far it seems the major stuff is headed in the right direction. Holding my breath...

Up Early on Saturday

2011-10-01T19:53:00.000-04:00

I had to drop someone off at the airport at 5 AM on a Saturday morning. Most people would go back home to bed, but I am not "most people" as you may have gathered. Instead, I chose to take advantage of already being up that freakin' early and head out to the boonies for a taste of early morning Farmer's Market action. Don't knock it, those places have The Good Stuff.

Let's just say it was a good morning. From the airport it was roughly an hour to where the good markets are. Since I was up that early, it was better for all parties that I get breakfast first. GrumpyHumbug turns into RagingAsshole when he hasn't had breakfast, much less after waking up at 4 AM to drive someone to the freakin' airport.

After eating a satisfying breakfast, all the best stuff was laid out before me in the marketplace, largely untouched. Just a few insomniac early birds to compete with. Usually I manage to make these places by noon. It was shocking how much better the choices were that early. Shocking!

Not to say getting up at 4 AM on Saturday will be a regular occurance, but the lesson learned here is important. As to the saying "early bird gets the worm" we'll just say that worm should really say "damn good farmer's market super-high-quality goodness". I may sacrifice a good Friday night's sleep once every month or 6 weeks, but lines have to be drawn.

Still, I strongly encourage people to check out local Farmer's Markets. Paralegals never make as much as they need, and said Markets usually provide goods superior to grocery store quality at better prices. The more of us use Farmer's Markets, the better they will get. Demand always finds a Supply.

Not That Many Ways

2011-09-28T11:06:00.000-04:00

There's an old saying, "more than one way to skin a cat," but with law-firm specific technology there really aren't too many ways.

Of course, there's the ubiquitous standard software used by nearly everyone in the business world (e-mail, word processing, spreadsheets, etc.) that I won't dignify mentioning by name. BigLaw, like any other major industry, has for the most part adopted them.

What's interesting, though, is that for such a large industry, there is a shockingly small number of law-specific programs commonly being used. Plus, there isn't much variation in the features between competing software packages. After learning one set, it's common to move to another firm and find either the same set or a comparable version of it that's easy to transition into.

Of course, trying to convince your new employer that you already know how to use their billing or e-discovery programs isn't so easy. They still insist on spending days (if not weeks) training you regardless of the fact that you may know more about it than the IT department's instructor does.

Guess where I've been? Yep. Being re-trained in programs I've used since this instructor was in junior high. Instead of in my office doing work. Serious. Waste. Of. Time.

Way too short

2011-09-26T09:32:00.000-04:00

Funny how two weeks off between jobs feels more like 2 hours. Accomplished a lot at The Money Pit, including roof repair and finishing up demolition on the world's longest kitchen renovation.

Currently on a train headed to the main office for ~~initiation~~ orientation, and posting from my Blackberry. This is my first try at mobile blogging, so be patient.

BTW, it was nice of my new employer to spring for Acela tickets. My prior firm was so cheap we only ever got the Metroliner. For those of you not in the northeast, Amtrak's Metroliner is like taking a cheap bus, and Acela is like flying without leaving the ground or getting groped by the TSA.

Leaving - The Last Day (Part 2)

2011-09-21T22:42:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the delay, lots of things went wrong all at the same time.

So, the rest of my last day went better than expected. Pizza was brought in for lunch. I gave a brief speech about I was glad to have worked there, wished everyone well, etc.

It's quite interesting the things people say to you on the last day at work. The paralegals generally either wished me well or stayed away from me. The associates were mostly depressed. The partners were gregarious as always.

The only major exceptions were MAPE and UOM. MAPE finally, after two weeks of silence and avoidance, sent a tersely-worded half-hearted e-mail. Something about how I always did good work, but MAPE's terrible communications skills garbled most of the rest. (If anyone has an in with the CIA's cryptography people, let me know. MAPE's e-mails would probably break their will to live.)

UOM continued to steer clear of me except for a brief meeting to sign a few forms and hand over my keys. All strictly business, which was fine with me.

The exit interview was something of a letdown. Someone from the main office gave a quick talk about 401k rollover and COBRA, but nothing else. No grand final "F U", no chance to enlighten them about the lousy morale, poor communications and terrible management. I thought about sending an e-mail to the Managing Partner of the firm, but decided to leave bad enough alone since it was my last day.

Let's just say the mantra of the day was "no longer my problem".

Oh, and I left 2 hours early without telling anyone. Hey, what were they gonna do, fire me?

Leaving - The Last Day (Part 1)

2011-09-09T09:14:00.000-04:00

So, it's the final day. I'm actually relieved to get this endless goodbye over with and start some well-earned time off. I have a 3 page statement prepared for my exit interview (probably an entire post all of it's own - will try to get that up over the weekend).

Strange how much personal crap you can accrue at the office over 5-ish years. Not sure I can squeeze it all into my small 2-door sub-compact. (Go ahead, laugh, but I get 42 MPG. I save my 8 MPG pickup for the weekends.)

The good-bye e-mails have been popping up for a couple of days now. Admin staff, paralegals and associates have been quite sincere about wishing me luck. Partners, with a couple exceptions, haven't said much of anything.

I will continue this tonight or over the weekend with all the gory details sure to come...

Leaving - The Attorneys

2011-09-07T09:35:00.000-04:00

Most of the Attorneys are sad to see me go. Apparently they hate losing competent employees (go figure, they keep enough useless ones around...). It's amusing to see how the Associates who were the least satisfied with my work are the most upset by my pending departure.

Some of the Associates are actually trying to convince me that my new employer will be much harsher and far less forgiving of the slightest error. Now, knowing several people who have worked with the local managing partner and in the main office of that firm, I am certain that is not the case. So it's apparently just a scare tactic to keep me from leaving. That's actually pretty funny coming from people who should know that I don't scare easily.

Un-surprisingly, the Partners seem not to care, at least most of them. Most Annoying Partner Ever ("MAPE") has been avoiding me, although at some point I expect MAPE will try to say something nice, probably by e-mail rather than to my face. Given MAPE's past history and piss-poor communication skills it will probably come off as insulting rather than nice, but after all this time I've learned how to read between the lines for MAPE's real message.

BREAKING NEWS (since been fixed)

2011-09-03T09:47:00.000-04:00

Read the following article about a Judge going ape-shit crazy on two childish attorneys. Even though the chief judge stepped in and pulled her from the case, it's still an epic bench-smack.

http://abovethelaw.com/2011/09/judge-ordered-remedial-civility-classes-the-new-killing-it/

EVERY paralegal I know would love to have this done to an attorney they have worked for.

Watch Out for Low Flying Cow Poo

2011-09-02T14:37:00.000-04:00

Wisconsin State Cow Chip Throw

Where has THIS been all my life???

Apparently it's been around for 37 years. The only thing shocking about that part is I expected it to be a much older event.

Leaving - The Other Paralegals

2011-09-02T09:47:00.000-04:00

Strangely (or perhaps not so much), the news that I am leaving has been met with great happiness by the other Paralegals. Most are happy for the increase in prestige and responsibility that the new job involves. Most also are thrilled I've found a way out, which the rest of them also want to do. All of them, however, are secretly thrilled that my leaving will prevent additional layoffs in the short term as work continues to dry up.

My caseload is being divided up among 4 other paralegals, which should say something about how much work has been dumped on me over the years. Not to say how little work those 4 have been doing that they can each absorb a quarter of my work without complaining.

It's nice to know that my last act at the firm is greeted warmly by my co-workers. I'm giving them the gift of additional work in a slow time, and added job security. Just call me Saint Grumpy :)

Human Laziness

2011-08-31T10:49:00.000-04:00

Another clue as to why America has an obesity epidemic was discovered this morning. While I was driving around town, I got stuck behind a bus that seemed to stop every 50 yards. Being between jobs and having nothing better to do, I followed it. The bus literally stops on every block. Why? Why can't people walk more than a block? If you have major handicaps, they operate a door-to-door service for free! Walk a couple blocks to catch the damn bus a little more often!

Rant over.

Leaving - Useless Office Manager

2011-08-30T11:16:00.000-04:00

Following over the next few days will be a series of posts on how various people reacted to my announcement of leaving the firm. Today we will start with probably the worst reaction of all, Useless Office Manager.

UOM was already one of my least favorite people in the firm. I made a conscious decision to go over UOM's head and hand my resignation letter straight to the Managing Partner. MP took the news well, and seemed genuinely happy for me that my new position was a step up in responsibility and prestige. MP is a really nice guy, which is why I went to him instead of UOM. If I had gone to UOM first, it's possible the resulting conversation would end with one of us taken out of the building in handcuffs (probably me). After I left MP's office, presumably he informed UOM first to begin the process of winding down my employment. I don't really know, because UOM didn't speak to me for a week.

A meeting was held with the rest of the paralegals about who would be inheriting my caseload, however I was not told about the meeting ahead of time. UOM specifically didn't want me involved because I would be a "distraction". Maybe it's just me, but not including the person with the most knowledge of the cases in the process of assigning those cases seems a bit... what's the word... moronic? Everyone else seemed to think so.

In the entire 2 weeks I was still in the office, UOM only spoke to me once, just to inform me of when my exit interview would be. No good wishes, no sorry to see you go, nothing. Wouldn't even look me in the eye the one time we did briefly speak.

The only thing I can think of is that UOM was either (a) jealous of me for getting a better job, (b) fearful of what I would say about UOM's utter lack of abilities during my exit interview or (c) both. I'm thinking (c).

Update - best of times, worst of times

2011-08-29T07:45:00.000-04:00

So, I have officially left my old job and am taking some much-needed time off before starting the new one. It started with a hurricane, so I'm not hopeful how the rest of the time will go.

Everything managed to go pretty well, except for a few notable instances I will blog about shortly. I've been too busy cleaning things up before leaving to do much about blogging, but will be getting back to it shortly.

Busy Busy Busy

2011-08-23T13:47:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the lack of postings this week. I decided to accept the new position, and gave notice. I've been swamped with updating my cases and bringing the paralegals who are inheriting them up to speed. It's a huge task.

Useless Office Manager has been avoiding me like I have Leprosy. Most Annoying Partner Ever hasn't spoken to me at all. Can't say I'm sad about that. Both are probably dreading my assessment of them at my exit interview with the Managing Partner.

Fortunately, most everyone else is taking the news well. Secretly, I suspect most of the paralegals are happy that there won't be a reason to lay anyone off in the near future. Even when leaving, I'm still doing them favors!

A Difficult Decision

2011-08-17T16:33:00.000-04:00

I've been offered a higher-paying position at another firm. While I like my current firm well enough, higher pay and a more senior position with a larger firm are very tempting. Plus working for a smaller group of attorneys doing a more specific practice.

Also, there is something to be said for getting away from some of the crazies at my current firm.

I'll probably accept the offer, considering one BigLaw firm is as good as the next...

A Brief Respite

2011-08-09T11:54:00.000-04:00

Every so often, things at the office slow down to a crawl. Usually in early August when everyone is taking vacations and it's too damn hot to work. I work hard during this period to deal with all those little things that aren't important, need to be done but I never seem to have the time for. Like pruning my office plants, cleaning out my bigger and uglier files, and my personal favorite: Cleaning Attorney Offices.

Yes, I said it. When any of my attorneys go away for a few days, I make it a point of going through their office and finding all those files, transcripts and discovery things that seem to get lost forever.

Some of my attorneys, like Skippy the Wonder Associate, are easier than others. Skippy treats hard copies like Kryptonite. It's one of the things I actually like about him. Most of the younger generation seem content with electronic-only documents in Word or PDF. That suits me just fine. Electronic files are always in the same place (especially when I make them read-only and lock their location so that only I can move them :). Skippy's office is remarkably clean for someone as busy as he is.

Other attorneys are more difficult. We all have at least one attorney who needs everything as a hard copy, and hangs onto it like gold bars. One of my attorneys is so bad, I actually maintain two seperate, identical files for each of his cases. One in my office with the originals, and one in his office with copies. Doubles the work I have to do in each of those cases, but it beats the hell out of keeping everything in his office where it will be strewn wildly about without any sense of order. Keeping the main file in my office at least means I can find things when he panics.

Things Lawyers Say

2011-08-04T14:27:00.000-04:00

Lawyers are in the business of using language. It's a key part of their job. Why, then, are so many attorneys really bad at communicating effectively? Some of the things I've heard recently need to be put on the internets for posterity:

"Could you get me that thing in that case?" - Yep, I'm on it. Just let me go get the forklift so I can bring you every "thing" in every "case" you have. I'm nothing if not thorough.

"I need you to do me a favor..." - Translation: "Do this for me or else." I actually prefer the latter, it's at least honest and doesn't try to suger-coat the fact that I work for you and have to do what you tell me to anyway.

"dude" - I have a name, and this isn't it. Using this is just a cop-out to keep from personalizing our relationship. That or you just can't be bothered to remember my name even though we've worked together for 6 years.

Some of my favorites are the horrible cliches lawyers employ:

"kick it up a notch" - to what? 11?

"it is what it is" - Strange, I thought it was what it wasn't, or something entirely different from either. Shows what I know.

"head them off at the pass" - This is a law firm, not a freakin' B-movie western. (Yes, I have a lawyer who uses this ALL THE TIME.)

"early bird catches the worm" - Eww. You don't pay me enough to eat worms. Or come in early. Besides, the last time I saw a lawyer do anything early was... ummm... I'll get back to you.

"all in a day's work" - really? Lawyers actually do a full day of work? Could have fooled me.

Busy busy busy

2011-08-02T08:53:00.000-04:00

Yet again, everything explodes into a full-on frenzy without warning. Just another day, unfortunately.

At least the Debt Ceiling thing is being resolved. My end-of-the-world stash from last May hadn't expired yet, so I was prepared anyhow for the Zombie Apocalypse that would surely result from Uncle Sam running out of cash.

Burnout

2011-07-28T12:44:00.000-04:00

After a month of long days due to a sudden jump in workload, during the vacation season when we're understaffed, I have hit burnout once again. Lately, I've been finding it harder and harder to motivate myself into caring about anything. Drastic measures are needed to avoid complete meltdown.

I am completely ignoring Skippy the Wonder Associate's every-5-minute follow-up e-mails. I delete them and get to his initial request whenever I can. If he elects to complain, I already have the speech prepared about how it is inefficient for me to take time away from a task to read and respond to multiple e-mails asking for an update on said task. I've had this conversation with him before. We periodically need to revisit the issue because Skippy forgets that he's an annoying uptight jackass.

If I show up to work early, I sit in my car and read the newspaper rather than go into the office. What's the point anymore? I get no credit for showing up early, and what with staying late all the time because of someone else's bad planning it just makes for a longer day. So I sit and read the newspaper until it's 5 minutes of. Besides, I rarely get to take a lunch break to read the paper anyway.

I stopped responding to other Paralegal requests for help unless that person has chipped in to help me within the past several months. I know we should stick together, but you need to draw the line somewhere. Don't ask the team for help when you are never a team player.

Job Interviews

2011-07-27T09:23:00.000-04:00

Going on a job interview is just as much about you interviewing a prospective employer as about them interviewing you. Still, there are key things that any legal employer will hit on during interviews for any level of employee, and which you need to be prepared for. I've worked for enough different firms, attorneys and managers over the years to have picked up on the right things to say, and the right way to say them.

Above all, honesty is the key. Honesty with some mild wit or a smile usually goes over well. (If they don't seem to have a sense of humor whatsoever, RUN SCREAMING. Firms without a sense of humor are not going to be a healthy place to work.) If the question comes up, be honest about having made some sort of mistake, and how you went about correcting it. But remember, any skilled interviewer has a sixth sense for BS.

Emphasize your ability to communicate. Probably the most important skill one can have as a Paralegal is effective communication with everyone: Attorneys, other paralegals, the Courts, support staff, vendors, etc. Poor communication is the root cause of so many problems we encounter. Anyone interviewing you will certainly understand and respect that communication is key to being effective in this job. Certainly any Paralegal with even a little experience can tell stories about how good communication has saved your butt, and bad communication has caused migraines and/or ulcers.

Also make sure they show you around during the interview, and ask if they don't offer to. If you might be spending a third of your life somewhere, it's important to know whether you'll be comfortable. Also, you can sneak a look at the faces of prospective co-workers and gauge whether they seem happy, content, overworked or zombified.

Most firms have a website these days. Paralegals do research, so do research on the firm both through their website and legal news sources. Check out the attorneys in that office, and their backgrounds. Dropping some hints that you looked into them before walking through the door shows that you are prepared and makes them less wary to do a "sales pitch" as opposed to a real interview.

Follow-up - The Benefits of Competency

2011-07-21T20:51:00.000-04:00

After having another run-in with one of the Associates who thinks that making partner means driving the paralegals and secretaries like racehorses to show how efficient he can be, I spent some time looking at job postings. Hey, the grass is always greener...

A job almost identical to what I am doing (with a higher salary) jumped out at me. I knew the firm, a big outfit far higher up the food chain than my (albeit large and well-respected) regional firm. I decided there was little to lose and sent them my resume by e-mail.

They responded in 47 minutes. By e-mail. Requesting an interview. Immediately.

If you know anything about law firm hiring practices, they are NOT fast. They do NOT want you to know how badly they need you. I was expecting a letter or phone call in a week or two, with an interview in a month.

Needless to say, I am curious. These people sound either (a) foolish, (b) eager, (c) incredibly over-polite or (d) desperate.

I will keep you posted.

The Burdens of Competency

2011-07-21T08:54:00.001-04:00

Lately, it seems I have been given an ever-increasing share of the workload, despite promises to the contrary by Useless Office Manager ("UOM"). Apparently UOM doesn't have the spine to tell the attorneys how busy I am and how not-busy some of the other Paralegals are, and that they need to transfer work to them. As a result, they keep shifting work to me. Apparently because they think I'm the only Paralegal in the office who can do the work. I know that isn't true, but UOM apparentl doesn't have the balls to stand up for the Paralegals.

On Bricks and Mortar

2011-07-19T09:16:00.001-04:00

If nothing else, The Law Industry loves tradition. It is a caste system where the Partners love to rub their superiority in the Associates’ noses, the Associates do the same to Paralegals, and regrettably some of the Paralegals do the same to support staff. The pointless need to insist on showing superiority over those below you by showing off your collection of Incan Matrimonial Headmasks is apparently the only reason Law Firms insist on dragging us in to work collectively in offices where none of us want to be in the first place.

Yes, I said it. Offices are outdated, archaic and pointless. Given the current level of technology, there is almost nothing we cannot do without a simple internet connection and a computer, which most of us have at home. (Those who don’t probably aren’t reading my site too often anyway, so I have no problem excluding them :) Right now, the only thing a Law Firm needs is a conference room, a file room and a server room.

Let me break it down…

1. Document Management – Every law firm worthy of existing in the 21^st Century has a computer network with some sort of file management system divided up by client. With the advent of scanning into PDF some 20-odd years ago, even hard copies of sensitive documents can be saved as electronic data with ease. A small on-site file room for critical hard copies would be far cheaper to maintain than the massive file rooms currently used to store what we already keep on computerized networks.

2. Court Filings – If there is a Court that still hasn’t adopted electronic filing in some fashion, those out in West Bumblefudge will do so soon enough. For those few Courts or other government entities who still insist on archaic delivery of hard copies, we have Couriers and Copy Services. Both of which have e-mail and are cheaper than maintaining a downtown office.

3. Expense to the Firm – If a firm went to mostly telecommuting and phone/videoconferencing, they could reduce their real estate footprint by about 90%. Do you have any idea how high the rent per square foot is in most urban office buildings? Besides all those copiers, scanners, fax machines, computer terminals, desks, chairs, filing cabinets, bookshelves, carpeting, etc. Eliminating most of that makes telecommuting a vastly more profitable option. All you would really need is a receptionist/secretary, a couple conference rooms and a few offices for whoever needs to be on-site. Even if firms gave employees computers to use at home and reimbursed for an internet connection, it would still save a massive amount of money. Money that the partners could pocket, and we all know how partners LOVE to increase profit.

4. Expense to the Employees – Gas. Bus fare. Work clothes. Time spent traveling to and from the office. Buying lunch. I can go on and on. Hell, I'd take a 5% pay cut to telecommute and would probably still end up with more money.

5. Inter-Office Personality Conflicts – There are plenty of co-workers I would have no problem with if I rarely (or never) had to see them in person. I’m sure there are also plenty of managers who would love to be rid of the constant bickering, bitching, moaning and complaining about the “Stole My Red Swingline Stapler” type of crap.

Even doing mostly telecommuting would be a big improvement. Imagine only having to go into work one day a week. I’d be willing to share an office with 5 other people if each of us only had to use it one day a week. The work that requires on-site staff occupies far less than 20% of the people we drag in every day.

What else have I overlooked? I’m sure there’s a lot. I’ll open up a topic on the Paralegal Hell Purgatory Panel for this, so feel free to share over there.

Warning Signs of An Impending Bad Day

2011-07-15T08:39:00.000-04:00

Stuff On My Chair. I. HATE. SOMC. H8H8H8H8H8H8H8H8!!!!!

It's Friday. For some reason, chaos always erupts on Fridays, especially in the mid-afternoon. It's more certain than Death, Taxes and the Sun rising in the East.

My e-mail inbox has 211 new messages since 6 PM last night. All in the same case. All from within the firm.

There is nothing on my calendar today. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

It's going to be a long day...

Weeping Silently for Humanity

2011-07-14T08:25:00.001-04:00

I've complained before about people who don't fill the printer. You know the ones, the pricks who print a ton of stuff, run it empty, then put in just 10 pieces of paper to finish their job. The drawer holds an entire 500 page ream.

I walk past my Quad's printer and noticed an open, nearly full ream of paper sitting next to it. Red Flag. So I check the drawer indicator, which is at nearly-empty. I open the drawer, and there's about 10 pieces of paper in it. Exactly what was removed from the open ream of paper sitting on the counter next to the printer.

Honestly, I was torn between smashing the printer on the floor in rage, or weeping silently for the future of humanity. Only because I have a lot of stuff to print this morning, I chose the latter. So here I sit, weeping silently for the future of humanity. Printing lots of stuff.

Why, why did you do that?

2011-07-13T11:33:00.000-04:00

One of our secretaries obtained a deposition transcript, and Attorney told her to send it to another Attorney in one of our other offices. Secretary sent the only copy we had.

What's wrong with this picture? What cardinal sins were committed here?

1. Didn't make a copy for our file.
2. Didn't scan it in for our electronic records.
3. Gave an attorney the ONLY copy we had of something.
4. Sent the ONLY copy we had to another office.

There are STILL people who wonder why I'm Grumpy.

Things Pissing Me Off Today

2011-07-12T08:45:00.000-04:00

1. Yield - if you don't know what this word means, look it up before the next time you drive. It is NOT a synonym for Merge.

2. I still haven't won the lottery.

3. If the attorneys work late, they can come in late the next morning so long as they don't have anything going on. Paralegals? Nope. Doesn't matter how late we work, still have to be back in the office bright and early at 8 AM. Yet we get paid less. Whuck?

4. There's no sugar in the coffee room. How the EFF do we run out of sugar? Someone needs to be fired for that.

Return!

2011-07-11T08:38:00.001-04:00

Sorry for the lack of postings lately. I was on an extended vacation in a remote area without communications. It was nice to be away from work, internet, e-mail and phone for a while. Especially in this profession where work tends to follow us everywhere. You need a clean break every so often to recharge your sanity.

Don't worry, I'm still the same snarky jackass. Just a bit less stressed-out.

Appreciation

2011-07-06T16:41:00.000-04:00

Over the holiday weekend (plus one day) I spent time doing outdoor sweat equity on my very own "Money Pit".

I won't sugar-coat the situation. It was hot, tiring and thankless. Gallons of water consumed each hour, volunteers wilting by the minute, it was not pretty. Unfortunately, the object of our exertions won. Heat and Humidity beat out volunteers and free beer.

This has taught me something. At the worst, we at least work indoors enjoying air conditioning and cold water. Those two things alone would have been a huge benefit to me over the past weekend.

Next time you see a road worker out on the tarmac, the least you can do is roll down the window and say "thank you". At the worst, our profession keeps us indoors and climate-controlled. Don't ever forget that.

Freedom

2011-07-04T16:59:00.000-04:00

Departing from the usual Snarkasm, I must address the reason for this holiday. We of the internet take our freedoms for granted. My father, grandfather and numerous great-uncles fought bravely, in circumstances we can barely understand, to protect our right to complain in public. Many of them died protecting our ability to exercise that right. It may be easy for us now to expect that right as a foregone conclusion, but we must not forget the fact that millions have died to preserve that right. Freedom is preserved by the blood of those who volunteer to give their lives.

Thus endeth the lesson.

Slow as Molasses in January

2011-07-01T08:44:00.000-04:00

The last day before a long holiday weekend always seems slow, but when work has dried up for the "everyone's at the shore" season known as July/August, it just seems that much worse. Today is going to be excruciating. I almost hope some crisis comes up today. (Almost.) Unfortunately, they all seemed to happen yesterday so that the partners could get a head start on their long weekends and beat the traffic to their summer homes.

This also brings up another cruel twist that my firm throws at us. The Fiscal Year ends with July and August, typically the slowest months in BigLaw. Those who are low on billable hours have almost zero chance of getting caught up before the FY ends. It's just mean to do that. I also fail to understand why the Fiscal Year doesn't correspond to the Calendar Year. It seems like some arbitrary invention by Accountants to make the rest of us suffer for teasing them in college.

Either way, enjoy the Fourth and try not to blow yourself (or anyone else) up. I need the pageviews! Four or five more years, and I can use the ad revenue to buy dinner at McDonald's.

Today's WTF Holiday is...

2011-06-30T08:31:00.000-04:00

National Handshake Day!

No, really. Don't ask me, I'm just the messenger.

This Explains A Lot

2011-06-29T08:13:00.001-04:00

I recently had to find a specific piece of information from the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure. Not usually a big deal, since http://www.uscourts.gov/ has all the various up-to-date Federal Rules posted online in handy PDF format. Unfortunately, that website was down (all too frequent these days - what's going on over there?), so I was left with trying to find a hard copy of the current FRCP in our office. You'd think that would be easy, since lawyers LOVE having stuff in hard copy. Alas, no. I wandered through multiple offices, and even *shudder* the Law Library. No dice. Best I could do was 2008, and I know there have been revisions since then.

What to do? Google to the rescue! Turns out Cornell Law School has something called the Legal Information Institute, where they have very well-organized rules, laws, constitutions and the like at both the Federal and State level. No guarantee that their information is as current as the government-operated sites, but it makes a handy back-up resource.

Ultimately, this explains why lawyers are always screwing up. Apparently none of them have the current versions of anything in their office! (Except the Bankruptcy people, they are quite persnickety about keeping their books up-to-date.)

How Old Does This Make You Feel?

2011-06-27T08:40:00.000-04:00

20 years ago today, June 27, 1991, Justice Thurgood Marshall retired from the Supreme Court.

Damn that makes me feel old. 20 years? Seriously?

On the bright side, it's Newfoundland Discovery Day.

I am NOT a Glorified Secretary

2011-06-23T14:58:00.000-04:00

It’s bad enough when the public calls us “glorified secretaries” but when those words come from a Lawyer, it’s downright insulting. Secretaries don’t draft discovery responses, review production documents, research caselaw or prep witnesses.

This is not to insult or degrade Secretaries, though. They do many things I can’t begin to fathom. I can muddle through Word, but any competent secretary is a ninja by comparison. I have the telephone etiquette of an 11^th century Viking raider with rage issues. Data Entry makes my brain hurt. Secretaries are equally valuable, but have an entirely different skill set.

Anyhow, the “paralegal is just a glorified secretary” thing really bugs the hell out of me, especially when it's still seen that way in our own industry. It’s insulting to both professions, although for different reasons.

Workload

2011-06-23T11:58:00.002-04:00

I work on a few very big cases, and then a plethora of small ones. It makes for quite the unpredictable workflow. At any point, one of my big cases could settle and leave a big hole in my hours. Alternately (and more commonly), one of the many smaller cases could explode into something large, leaving me with far too much work.

One of my large cases went through trial some time ago and we’re just waiting on the decision. Another big one has just settled. In the meantime, I’ve taken on another large case.

This means that one or more of my small cases should be exploding into big ones any minute now to keep the universe in balance. But which one(s) will it be? The suspense is killing me.

Pet Peeve of the Day - Elevator

2011-06-21T13:47:00.000-04:00

When you are waiting for an elevator, especially in the lobby of a building, DO NOT stand right in front of the doors. There may be someone on the other side of the door. That person may come barreling out of the elevator in a hurry. You may get knocked over. It will be YOUR fault.

Can you guess what happened to me this morning as I was rushing to bring something to the Courthouse before a hearing started?

A New Blog from The Great White North

2011-06-19T13:27:00.000-04:00

Check out The Jaded Paralegal, a well-written blog showing the Canadian perspective of our industry.

The Blahs

2011-06-16T14:19:00.000-04:00

I have hit full-on, stage one burnout. My get up and go just plain got up and left. Nothing at work seems important anymore, because everything I get is always important and must be done immediately. When everything is important, then nothing is.

Let’s be honest, I didn’t seek out Paralegal as a career choice. I fell into it by accident when I needed a job many years ago. Turns out, I’m pretty good at it and the money is OK. But even after 15 years I’m still not sure I want to do this forever. I already know that I am NOT going to law school. (I like still having a soul.) But what else is there to do that I’m qualified for? It seems that you don’t learn many skills as a Paralegal that translate into other occupations, especially outside the legal industry. (Please correct me if I am wrong, I’d honestly like to know.)

Right now all I can do is count the few good things about the job. I work inside, usually sitting down. Nobody is trying to kill me. There’s usually not much overtime needed.

Practical Stress-Relief for Paralegals

2011-06-14T08:50:00.001-04:00

There's plenty of generic stress-relief tips out there. I'm aiming this specifically at Paralegals.

1. BREAKS - TAKE ONE DAILY

No matter what, I always leave the office during lunch, even if it's just to take a quick lap around the block. The simple act of getting away from the office really can help. How far I go depends on the weather and/or my workload on any given day. On a nice day, I walk to a small park a couple blocks away and sit on a bench for a few minutes. It's just as much about giving yourself a mental break as anything else.

2. ALWAYS COUNT TO TEN BEFORE HITTING "SEND"

A particularly major problem for me is wanting to immediately fire back a snark-laden, ire-filled reply when I get an electronic nastygram from someone. On a few occasions I have failed, and it inevitably leads to Bad Things. I always try to remember something my very first employer told me (about interacting with retail customers):  "Would you say that to your Grandmother?" Granted, there are times when you may need to be a bit more direct and forceful, and we're only human. But remember that sarcasm doesn't translate well into the written word.

3. HONESTY IS (USUALLY) THE BEST POLICY

It's tempting to use a little white lie to mollify an attorney or a client, but they have a way of boomeranging on you at the worst possible moment. An attorney may not want to hear "I don't know" or "I can't get to that right now", but at least you won't end up trying to explain your way out of trouble later on.

4. PICK YOUR BATTLES

Remember, we work FOR the attorneys. They can fire us, or at the least make our lives even more miserable. If there's a particularly major problem, get all your ducks in a row before raising a stink about it.  Get proof, have multiple solutions to propose, and don't do it when you are angry or upset. Also, keep in mind that every firm has "untouchables", those people who can do whatever they want and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. The key is to know who those people are and try your best to avoid them. It may not always be easy, but it beats learning the hard way.

5. FIND AN OUTLET, BUT DO SO SAFELY

It is tempting to turn to chemicals in various forms to aid with relieving stress. Some people can do so without problems.  However, my own struggle with Alcoholism is not unique to our industry. It's important that you find something to do that does not involve work, and devote time to it regularly.

6. USE YOUR VACATION TIME

I am fortunate to work at a firm that is generous with vacation time. Unfortunately, like most law firms, they are not as generous with allowing you to actually take any of that vacation time. I pre-schedule several blocks of time throughout the year, and advise the people I work with well in advance that these are the times I won't be here, and if they have a problem let me know now, not the day before I'm leaving. I also send reminders out a month, a week, and a couple of days before the time off. That way, noone can claim they didn't know or weren't given adequate warning. It sounds like overkill, but remember you work for Attorneys, so there's no such thing as too much CYA.

Follow-Up - thoughts on Paralegal Education

2011-06-10T10:51:00.001-04:00

OK, I really stepped in it this time. Usually try to keep my head down and below the radar, but apparently calling someone out like I did yesterday, about Above the Law's less-than-flattering advice article to a paralegal, doesn't qualify as "keeping my head down". (A ten-fold jump in daily hits to my site after being mentioned on ATL is what really caught my eye.)

I previously talked about this subject, but wanted to expand a little on my thoughts and experiences on Paralegal Education.

My background is a B.A. degree with no formal Paralegal certification (not required in my state), and roughly 15 years of practical experience on the job, starting at the bottom and working my way up, learning as I went.

Looking through various articles on the subject, one piece of advice I can agree with is to get a Bachelor's degree. Anything along the lines of History, Education, Library Studies, Philosophy or related subjects in the Liberal Arts category will do. The key skill to learn is how to do thorough research and comb through data to highlight relevant information.

Once you have that degree, it is also recommended that you attend an ABA Accredited Paralegal Studies program. The ABA accreditation is important, because they only approve about 1 in 5 of the overall number of Paralegal training programs. Your best bet is to look at major local colleges or universities, especially those associated with an accredited Law School. Many community colleges also have good programs.

Stay away from non-college "training program" institutes. Most of them are simply paper factories that take your money and don't teach any important skills. These are typically privately-run businesses out to maximize profit and minimize cost.

See Part 1 and Part 2 of an article on Paralegal schools, and this article about searching for a job straight out of school, all from my good friend over at Paralegal Hell, for more on this subject.

While the ABA does accredit some Paralegal programs, what hurts our industry the most is the lack of nationwide standards for education and qualification of Paralegals. Lawyers at least have the Bar, and the ABA accreditation of law schools is a fairly big deal. Unfortunately, that doesn't carry over quite so well into our profession. We need to keep agitating through our local Paralegal Associations for more and better standards in order to improve the overall quality and reputation of the profession.

A Condecending Attitude Expressed In Print

2011-06-09T09:41:00.002-04:00

I typically try to avoid linking to other blogs or legal-oriented websites. It's a personal thing.  I have no objection when others do.  It's just not the direction I choose to take, since so many others do it so well already.

Sometimes, however, something pisses me off so thoroughly that it's worthy of being pointed out. This is one of those times

Above the Law runs a weekly write-in advice column. Read this week's edition about a Paralegal's request for advice, then come back for my take after the jump. Plus an update!

If you read the comments, you'll see my initial gut reaction about two-thirds of the way down. I sat overnight on posting a reaction here in order to calm down and approach this in a more rational frame of mind.

I have respect for what ATL does. They serve a much-needed function by delivering important news that tends to slip through the cracks of most industry publications.  My chief concern is their pervasive "lawyers rule, staff drools" bias. This week's Pls Hndle Thx column really shows the depth of that bias, and in a very ugly way shows the attitude many attorneys have towards "the staff".

ATL is written entirely by attorneys. OK.  It's a website devoted to news about the legal industry. I get that. But they chose to give job advice regarding a position that they have zero experience with. In an incredibly insulting manner.

It shows the stigma that our profession still struggles with in our own industry, much less among the general public (most of whom seem to think we're glorified secretaries). ATL is widely-read within our industry, and their opinion (for better or worse) carries some weight.

This is not to say all attorneys think this way. Many of the comments were from attorneys defending our profession and criticizing the article in much the same way I am. Many attorneys realize how critical we are to the process. I just wish more of them did, especially the ones people read every day.

UPDATE: I've been contacted by Above the Law, and had a very nice e-mail chat with them about the state of Paralegal education.  I've given them permission to quote me for a follow-up piece.

UPDATE 2: ATL mentioned me in Non-Sequiters on 6/9/2011. I've also posted a follow up article on paralegal education.

June is:

2011-06-08T12:53:00.000-04:00

Professional Wellness Month (Fail.)

National Accordion Awareness Month (I am aware Accordions exist. That should be enough.)

Bathroom Reading Month (Really? This needs a month?)

National Candy Month (Link also lists candy-specific holidays, don't miss Fudge Day on June 16!)

Effective Communications Month (near and dear to a Paralegal's heart since attorneys are so bad at it)

Potty Training Awareness Month (no, I'm NOT linking to that one)

National Soul Food Month (yummy!)

My Doctor Says I Need To Lower My Blood Pressure

2011-06-08T09:01:00.002-04:00

So here's a picture of some kittens to balance my last post:

Things Pissing Me Off Today

2011-06-08T08:32:00.000-04:00

1. MAPE is demanding to know where something is despite the fact that I told MAPE just 3 days ago (when it was asked for) that said thing would take a week to ten days. Like I do every time MAPE requests this particular thing. MAPE always demands to know where it is after just 3 or 4 days. My conclusion? MAPE lacks basic math skills.

2. It's unreasonably hot today. I hate hot weather.

3. SOMC. Again.

4. Did I mention it's hot today?

5. There's nothing on my calendar today. Nothing. Which means the day will be full of last-minute crises that I cannot pass off because something else is due. Attorneys can smell an empty paralegal calendar from almost as far away as a martini.

6. It. Is. Too. Effing. Hot.

Mixing Personal and Professional

2011-06-06T08:45:00.001-04:00

My standard policy is to never mix my personal and professional lives. Keeping the two apart from each other makes for a less complicated life. If work doesn't intrude on my social life, then that means I can more easily leave the stress of work behind when I walk out the door. But it isn't always easy.

Recently, the sudden death of a close friend came during a period of intense stress and a heavy load at work. The stress of dealing with my friend's death, coupled with the stress of my job, became too much to bear.

The straw that broke me was a disagreement with Most Annoying Partner Ever. MAPE gave me an assignment with no deadline, but asked me to keep him in the loop about how I was progressing. I sent an e-mail to him to say that there was too much work in my other cases with immediately pending deadlines to get his non-deadline project done until at least the following week. MAPE then contacts my immediate boss, Ineffectual Manager, and lies through his teeth, saying that there is a deadline (when both me and MAPE clearly knew there was not) and I was to be removed from all other work to do his bidding.

When I was informed of this, I snapped. Usually I just suck it up and find a way to juggle everything. But with all the personal and professional stressors hitting me, it was like being trapped in a corner and getting poked with sharp sticks. The only thing you can do is lash out.

I called MAPE out as a liar, told the IM that the project is completely unimportant and could easily be done by any of the dozen other paras, whereas the deadlines I was working on were all in cases that only I am familiar with. It was basic common sense to assign the easy project to someone else rather than have me waste hours filling in someone else on how to deal with all my other work. Inevitably, because IM consistently caves to the partners' whims no matter how stupid and illogical rather than stand up for the staff, this argument escalates to the Managing Partner. MP is well aware of MAPE's habit of being overly demanding on stupid crap and completely disregarding the proper distribution of workload. MP makes the decision to tell MAPE that I am now completely off-limits to MAPE's work due to my remaining caseload, and instructs IM to tell MAPE.

Ever since, IM has been glaring daggers at me for going over IM's head and winning. I'm certain it will come back to haunt me later, likely at bonus and annual review time. I won, but it was a fight that I should never have picked in the first place.

Pet Peeve of the Day - Stuff On My Chair Strikes Back

2011-05-31T08:28:00.000-04:00

Guess it was too soon to think people in my firm got the message about walking past my inbox to put something on my chair. I come in, after working late on Friday and being the last person to leave, only to come in this morning (well before the known guilty party) and find... yep... STUFF ON MY G-D CHAIR!!!

The only thing that keeps me from getting enraged is the somewhat comforting thought that whoever put it there had to come in over a long holiday weekend. That should be punishment enough.