OK, so here's what's up: Apparently I have severe high blood pressure, exacerbated (probably caused) by the high stress of my job, which resulted in some sort of mild heart-related thing I don't really understand and a super-not-fun stay at the hospital. I'm home now, and after some forced bed rest am finally allowed to have access to my laptop.
Looks like I'm in the market for a different job in a lower-stress industry. Being a Paralegal is now *officially* killing me.
Fun way to start the new year, huh?